Hope isn't lost all at once like a bucket that is overturned, nor is it like the bathtub draining which is slower, but still faster than what I'm talking about. For me, it's not like evaporation either because that is too slow and it certainly isn't like a geyser because it is not so dramatic or beautiful. I like geysers. Its' like...
wait, what was I talking about?
Oh yes, hope. Lost by drips and drops.
I had a number of challenges in terms of keeping up with the boys. I wasn't loud enough or funny enough and demanding things was off the table for females, but I had hope that I could still get my due when it came to promotions because I didn't complain about sophomoric humor and behavior, the pranks, the dick-swinging. I could put up with it because I felt accepted and that felt good. I was one of the guys.
As the years went by though, my hope was dripping away with every lost opportunity for a leadership role. "Oh, so even though you offered me the position of chair of the Eastern Trombone Workshop, you forgot about that and now it's someone else's job, someone junior to me? Oh, no, don't worry about it, I understand." "Oh, there's a brand new job that I would have been perfect for managing the recital series, but it was never even open for applications? Guess I should have thought to create that position in secret for myself earlier. My fault." "Oh, you didn't even consider me for ceremonial brass quintet because you were just picking people who 'worked well together' even though I've been doing that for over 10 years? I mean, the trumpet player just hugged me for saving his dog and have an email from the horn player saying I "fucking rock" but maybe they secretly don't like me." I remained patient though and knew that no one meant to overlook me...they just did.
By 2015 I thought I still might be able to get my due and be promoted with my peers even if the door had closed to being promoted ahead of my peers (my evaluations had said “Promote ahead of peers” for a few years). After all, the section leader position would need to be filled soon and I was clearly the responsible choice, the others openly mocked the organization and were unabashedly undermining authority on a daily basis. It was in the fall of 2015 that I was finally allowed to be a rater of one soldier. I was his rater for about two weeks when another section member flicked him in the nuts in front of me. It undermined both the new soldier and me and certainly was not in keeping with the ideal of establishing an environment of mutual respect. Drip, drip, drop.
In the spring of 2016, I was aghast when that soldier, the flicker, jumped over me for promotion, putting him in line to be the section leader for me and my new soldier, the flickee. My world shifted, the first pitch in a rotation that would end up a full 180 degrees away from my reality. How could they, the powers that be, not know? This person was a bully and a terrible exemplar of military discipline and decorum. I had put up with it, but now this was too much. I reported the incident of the flicking of the balls to my raters to which my senior rater's response was "So, did he (the flickee) complain?" Now, I had set my bar of expectations pretty low, I accepted a workplace where nut-flicking, funeral farting, cat-calling and run-of-the-mill insubordination was a regular occurrence, but I thought there was no harm done in accepting this. Now there was definite harm because they promoted that guy to be directly above me in my chain of command, me and the junior soldier he assaulted. His power had been unofficial before, strong as bully power is, but now, it was sanctioned with the full weight of the UCMJ behind him. He could order me to do anything and my raters are telling me I shouldn't worry about him and just consider how I can get along with everyone. The drip has become a drain and someone's going to have to get a mop to clean up all this hope that's spilling out all over. Clean up on isle of despair.
My world is shifting as I stumble on a playing field that is not level and I think we're headed to the upside down world. I start to question my perception of reality and I think I might be losing it when I catch another member of my section (my peer at the time) cupping the balls of our group leader. This can't be right! I took a poll on Facebook to see if anyone else operated in a workplace where it was acceptable for men to assault each other in this way. Some astute officer seeing my post acted in the manner that was actually mandated by regulation: he referred the report to the Criminal Investigative Division (CID).
So yes, this thing that I had reported, flickage of balls, wasa big deal, big enough that people could lose their jobs because it fits the definition sexual assault and my reporting went from having no effect to prompting a criminal investigation. Could I not just achieve something in between?
The investigative process commenced, I was interviewed and told them that I had reported to my chain of command. That meant that theyhad to be investigated for possible dereliction of duty. This very chain of command was about to issue me my yearly evaluation and this made me a wee bit nervous. I hadn't wanted to get them in trouble, I just wanted the behavior to stop. This was actually where I was in my bargaining of acceptance of this fucked up workplace. I could accept the promotion of that individual, accept him being my section leader, the person who can deny me time off, the person who allocates funds, the person who makes my schedule if he started acting like the leader he was supposed to be: stop flicking balls, please. Can you agree that bar is extremely low? Yet, for that, I became “she who cannot get along with her section.”
There must have been a meeting though so that all those boys could escape with their skins intact and the plan devised had to be airtight. My current raters couldn't create a negative evaluation because there was nothing in the quarterly evaluations leading up to this point that was negative. Furthermore, because they were caught up in the investigation, they also needed to steer clear of putting themselves in jeopardy of a whistleblower complaint. The plan, of course, mostly relied on everyone involved denying everything I had reported. This meant my section leader, my group leader, several other Sergeants Major all the way down to the junior soldier flickee all denied what I reported. But I didn't know that yet. No, because I was not a victim of the alleged crime, CID didn't owe me any communication as to the status of the case. *
But I have gotten ahead of the timeline so let's go back to my yearly evaluation. It was...not bad as you can see for yourself in an excerpt I posted in the Long Story Short. So that rating team should be clear of any charge of retaliation, but I still think it's a good idea to change raters, to get someone who wouldn't have made the mistake of brushing off my report in the first place, and so I am assigned new raters who had not been implicated in the investigation at all.
My reservoir had a fair amount of hope left when I went into my initial counseling with my new rating team on 22 November, 2016. This pair was smart and responsible and I respected them, they could understand how that other team had let things get out of hand and I shouldbe able to trust them to do the right thing if I needed to report to them in the future. In short, I had hope, but I wanted my hope verified so I asked them first thing in my initial counseling what they would do if I came to them with a similar report. Senior Rater's jaw becomes tight, his lips pressed into a firm line, a disappointed dad look in his eyes answers that he would investigate my claim himself.
Wrong answer.
How could that point not be learned? His job is to let professionals investigate or risk culpability, this scenario just played out, putting many people at risk and yet....
My hope reservoir drained substantially, the jolt of this answer sloshed some out, but it was still not empty because the investigation was still underway and maybe this outside entity will be able to see through the façade of denials especially since this very action of ball flicking had been reported independently by others who complained of it happening regularly. Criminal investigations take a long time though, especially with a spiraling list of people to interview. But of course, the cat’s already out of the bag on how it all turns out.
*They didgive me a pamphlet about making a whistleblower complaint if I felt I was being targeted for retaliation, a pamphlet I referred to when I did feel I was suffering retaliation, calling the number at CID that they had provided. My conversation with the agent went something like this:
Me: "My rating team insists that I am lying about what I reported to you and are treating me as insubordinate for not agreeing with them. What should I do?"
CID Agent: "Our investigation is not complete yet. It may be that you arelying and insubordinate. We won't tell you if and when we come to this conclusion, but maybe you'll figure it out eventually."
Me: *whimper*
N.B.: This matter was investigated thoroughly by official investigators, and while I never received any communication from the CID, the result of the investigation was that my unit treated me as a liar. You should consider that too as you read my account, it is only my side, my perception, my reality, and my story did not change in the remaining two years I had to serve to get to my retirement date.
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