So here’s what happened after the offense outlined in my previous posting “A Confession.” One month later, I am told to report to my commander for a meeting.
He has seemed reasonable in the past, in fact he was assigned to TUSAB early in my career and singled me out with a special award. I still had some hope left in reserve, it hadn’t all drained away yet, he probably wants to know what is going on with me, wants to discuss how I went from a promising young soldier to one who is withdrawn and outcast. That would make sense, right? I prepared for the meeting with points that I’d like to discuss, outlined them on my computer, double checked that my appearance was on point and reported to his office. Oh, but I was so wrong, so naïve! I was met not only by the commander, but my whole chain of command below him was lined up like a firing squad. I would not be needing my computer and it was clear I wouldn’t be speaking, no one was even going to be sitting down. No, they were presenting me with an official letter of reprimand one month after writing me up for my transgressions as if the counseling statement was not enough. Their best insight into creating a healthy work environment was to kick me while I was down rather than helping me find a productive path forward.
Was it necessary? Well, if they wanted to make sure to drain that hope reservoir, it sure was. Given that I had only been issued punishment by my rating team up to this point, it must have been imperative to make it clear that the entire chain of command all the way to the top of TUSAB was unified in their condemnation of me. Was it effective? That depends on what their intent was but I do believe they were trying to destroy me and here’s why; that very evening, July 11, 2017, I was assigned to play with the army blues at a concert in Winchester, Virginia. There was no transportation provided and I had to drive myself. It was also raining. So this is my situation, I had experienced a harrowing fall from grace at the army band starting with being reassigned to a rating team that was punishing me for making what they claim was a false report of sexual assault in October 2016, they had issued two negative counseling statements and now I was being handed a letter of reprimand from my commander and these were all firsts in my career which at the time had spanned 16 years. In 9 months, my world had turned upside down and friends of the last decade and a half were now strangers, or worse, potentially out to get me. And now to their plan to destroy me: call a meeting with no warning of what it is about, ambush me with a unified message from top to bottom at TUSAB that I was a very bad girl and send me on a rainy road to drive 90 miles to a job that evening…and back. Their timing really couldn’t be better as my devoted husband was in Ireland at a conference but they couldn’t have known that, it was just their lucky day. So back to the question, was the letter of reprimand effective?
Have you ever had to drive through tears? Have you done it in the rain, the lights from oncoming cars refracting through multiple layers of liquid droplets? Have you ever been in so much pain that you wished you could die just so you could escape, your rational self always intervening to make sure no action follows those thoughts because you really have so much to live for and you refuse to cause your loved ones pain? Have you ever then seen an opportunity that took that rational decision out of your hands, say one that gave that decision to fate, the fate of what could happen on a rainy highway if one was not totally focused on the task of driving because the self is busy dealing with a recent and ongoing trauma? I have.
Did they succeed in destroying me that night, no. But they were effective in showing their intent clearly, because what did they imagine would have come out of this series of events? How was I supposed to function in the workplace after this knowing that they had no regard for my safety and in fact would actively put me in unsafe situations? Where was their leadership leading me? To the edge of a cliff, that’s where and it would have been so easy to fall…but I am a good driver and I survived, ha!
And what do you suppose is their reaction to my reporting that I felt my life was put in danger by their actions? “Do I need to escort you to Behavioral Health?” That is a phrase I heard a couple of times that totally reveals the military’s attitude to suicidal soldiers; drive them to the edge and then drive them to Behavioral Health and your hands are clean.
I recently returned to the army band for the American Trombone Workshop and a lot of people were surprised to see me. In fact there was a broad range of reactions: total non-acknowledgement, uneasy casual banter, shit-eating fake smiles, genuine smiles of delight and huge hugs. Now, I may not need to remind you, but I am a professional trombonist and this was a conference of my profession, so I needed to reclaim that space as it is a space filled with many friends, colleagues and chances to network and make new acquaintances. I don’t know why they would think I wouldn’t show up.
This was also, of course, an opportunity to show them that they didn’t get rid of me. I still exist and they will still see me while I know where to find them and now it’s on my own terms. I was fortunate enough to find my former senior rater, now the senior enlisted soldier in the entirety of TUSAB, and look him in the eye. When I told him I wanted to stand in front of him knowing he couldn’t hurt me anymore, he said he never intended to hurt me, completely refusing to acknowledge the impact his actions had on my life, emotionally and professionally.
We came into the band together, on the same day. I never thought he was cruel, I thought he was kind. I thought he was working to do things right and I was hopeful to have him assigned as my senior rater. My previous rating team were a couple of dummies who didn’t know what to do with a report of sexual assault, but he would know better because it had been proven that what I reported was in fact their duty, a requirement, to refer to outside investigators. But instead of that whole incident proving me right, it seemed to prove me to be the enemy of the institution and my senior rater, whether he intended it or not, he did a damn good job of turning my world upside down, causing me to question my sanity (did what I report really happen?), causing me to mistrust everyone (I thought he knew me and respected me), causing me to retreat, causing me trauma.
He told me he would read my blog so now I will address him directly.
Hey boo. You said I was trying to bait you in our initial meeting with you as my new senior rater. Bait you into what? I had exposed the shortcomings of my previous rating team and switched to you because you would do better, and what did you do? You refused. You refused to assure me that you would abide by the requirements of army policy to refer a report of sexual assault to the proper authorities. I didn’t think it would be so hard for you. It was a huge disappointment because I really thought you were better than that. But not only did you not do better, but you did much, much worse. Let’s be clear, I didn’t kick myself out of the army, you did and if it was for the reasons you enumerated on the counseling form, then there should be a lot more people kicked out because that behavior is exactly what I asked you to address with your previously assigned soldier who rapidly ascended to the highest ranks once you took me down. Your hypocrisy is exposed. May I have some hope in my bucket that you will see that?
