Most of this blog has been a reflection on the past but today I’m going to do something different because I have had a very strange 24 hours. My emotions were unexpectedly lit on fire and I cried like I haven’t since I left the army band. You see all weekend I had been riding high with people singing my praises: I was told bandmates loved me, students adored me and a professor thanked me for being outstanding. I felt large and strong and in control but that suddenly changed last night and I was confronted with who I was only one year ago: small, vulnerable, powerless and just trying to hold it together. I think this is what is referred to as cognitive dissonance and it’s raised a question of who is the real me because it just can’t be that both are correct, it just can’t be.
It started pretty mildly as I was walking my dogs and the night sky was really clear. It’s not that often that I can look up and see constellations clearly, but it was very clear and I saw Orion and I remembered looking at that constellation in October of 2000 in Brisbane Australia. The army band had traveled there to play a tattoo and I was hanging out with my then-friend M. That night he told me that he was expecting his first child. He had just found out and I was the first one he told. I told him “children ruin everything” but I was nonetheless happy for him.
We continued to hang out on many trips, our friendship wasn’t deep really, but he was someone that I just enjoyed being with, someone to be silly with and say and do stupid things. We had a lot of fun together although I’m not sure he ever forgave me for taking him ice skating in Central Park as he was not very good at it and probably did some real damage to his knees.
So the constellation was one thing, but then only about an hour later, I came across a video of him playing with his son. His son (the one he told me about in Australia) is a senior in high school and this was a senior solo night with his high school band. Watching M and his son perform together, I felt my heart break. My fingers shook as I debated whether to “like” it or not. I never did anything to M at the army band, but eventually it just became ill-advised to be associated with me, so he just faded away. I guess I never really grieved the end of our relationship, but I can tell you, I’m doing it now. Of course, it doesn’t help that the VA messed up my prescription refill and I’ve been without my anti-anxiety medicine all weekend.
I feel very strange.
Now that I have this forum, I’m hoping it will help me to get this stuff off my chest, to puke it out into the universe and feel better getting it out of my system.
The hurt is real, it’s deep and I’ll probably always think of that night in October 2000 whenever I catch sight of Orion. I didn’t want it to be like this. I wanted those memories to be part of a rich, warm and happy past. Is it too much to ask for an “I’m sorry?” Not from you, gentle readers, but from a one-time friend.
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